New Year, Same Me

Resolutions are bullshit, I'm still eating cake

Jan 16, 2025

Thank you for reading this issue of The Middle. I hope you enjoy this selection of my thoughts, feelings, etc. Make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss a single sentence. Sian x

Thoughts

My Instagram FYP is now 70% Hugh Grant content. The press tour for his new movie, Heretic, has him giving all sorts of unfiltered interviews about his biggest gripes (backpacks, water bottles, leaf blowers) and how much he loves to rag on Colin Firth. Highly recommend fucking up your algorithm for this slice of 90s-bumbling-rom-com-leading-man-turned-grouchy-anti-hero that is Hugh. I feel we may all need a bit of tinkering with our online consumption after the incessant and devastating LA wildfire and war content.
Consider it a personal win when I manage to convince a friend to enter the Sarah J Maas universe. I award myself double points when they pass on the good word to one of their friends. Especially as it’s usually accompanied with the confession that it’s the first books they’ve read in an extended period of time. Reading is reading, don’t lose sleep if it’s not Cusk or Tolstoy.
Obviously my book buying ban didn’t work as I reported last issue that my TBR number had actually climbed in number instead of declining. I’m clearly challenged in this area of deprivation and thus have reframed this little worm in my mind to a reading challenge. Much like banning Nutella doesn’t actually curb consumption or bingeing in the long term, banning myself from buying books is only going to do the same. So I’ve committed to reducing my TBR number by a third by the end of the year, whether the number of unread tomes on my shelf is 8 or 80 (it’s definitely more than 80). Wish me luck.
Desperate to escape the house solo and watch Babygirl, Nicole Kidman’s new film. I think Nicole in batshit roles are her best work (yes, I’d consider the cinematic classic that is Moulin Rouge batshit). Interested to see if Harris Dickinson, who plays the male lead, has the chops for dominance because he was such a cuck in the Triangle of Sadness.
Is planning another (minor) renovation whilst pregnant the smartest or stupidest idea I’ve ever had? Help.

Feelings

Welcome to 2025, my friends. Everyone is feeling fresh and energised and still carrying that good new year energy where the gym memberships are being utilised with enthusiasm and the resolutions are firm in mind. I’ve settled back into the rhythm of life and work and daily negotiations with my toddler about screen time. I know I’m really back in the thick of it when I know what day of the week it is and have a vague understanding of the date. These details completely elude me while in the Christmas/New Year vortex, where my awareness of the day was limited to making sure I beat my siblings to the fridge at meal times so I could eat the good leftovers first.

As the year rolls over, I take some time to reflect on the one gone and the one coming, what I want to achieve and set off hunting for my word of the year. I used to do resolutions but they’re frankly completely useless to me. Previously, I’d always set some unrealistic goal for myself and either forget it within a couple of months or get completely overwhelmed by the enormity of it all and give up immediately. Now, I choose a word that defines my year and try to make decisions in alignment with it and create goals which complement. It asks for more from me than blind obedience to a resolution mantra; it asks me to check in with myself more often and, with a bit of self-discipline, forces more alignment with my goals than a harsh edict to do ‘x task, x times a week for x goal’.

This year’s word took me a little while to locate. I felt like it was hovering nearby, waiting for the fog to part and majestically reveal itself but I kept getting distracted by this tiny, insignificant event happening midway through the year that is giving birth. ‘Have baby’, while achievable and wildly satisfying, was not only breaking my one word rule but felt too reductive for what else I wanted to achieve. I worked in reverse, observing some of my other goals (write book draft, play with my son more) and attempted to find the through line linking them.

It almost seems a bit silly that it took me so long to find a word so simple but it’s not about being fancy or literary or choosing something to make you feel smart. It’s a mental touchstone for an entire year, it should feel warm and familiar. This year my word is ‘progress’. The act of moving forward, propulsion, advancement. It feels motivating yet achievable, especially considering the baby that is coming which will inevitably and wonderfully swallow me whole and render my mind a jellied mess for a little while after. I’m so excited to meet our baby but I’m equally intrigued to see how much progress I can make between now and then. I’ve got a lot of words to write in between now and then and many of them will be put down here, to be delivered to you.

In my last missive, I mentioned I’ve been working on The Middle behind the scenes and doing the mental and logistical gymnastics to figure out how to grow this little letter of mine. Unsurprisingly, the biggest issue was me; combating the anxiety of imposter syndrome and valuing my work and myself as a writer.

This has led me to introducing a small monthly subscription fee here at The Middle. I’ll still be posting weekly, but I’ll be paywalling roughly half of my content, which means this edition of Thoughts, Feelings, Etc will be my last free post of this type! All subscribers will still receive a fortnightly missive of either Good Shit (my very niche, very excellent recommendation lists) or Medium (an essay discussing my latest read or watch) on the usual Thursday evening. But for just $8 a month (or $80 a year), in the alternating weeks, you’ll get the aforementioned along with a fortnightly issue of Thoughts, Feelings, Etc (the one you’re reading right now), which contains my usual unfiltered musings on the world, a personal essay and all the shit I’m gatekeeping from everybody else.

In summary, paying subscribers will have the utter privilege of having me spank their inboxes with a new letter every single Thursday. I’m excited just thinking about it. I hope you are, too. And if you genuinely cannot afford a subscription (cozzie livs, budgets, etc, I get it) but want to read all of The Middle, then please flick me an email and I’ll add you to the paying subscribers list for a year for free.

Thank you for coming along with me on this leap, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your time and support of The Middle.

Etc

WATCH - Beyonce Bowl on Netflix

Give yourself a 13 minute hit of sugar and watch Beyonce Bowl on Netflix. It’s Beyonce’s first live performance of her Cowboy Carter album at the Christmas Day game of some American football team blah blah. I don’t give a shit about the context. I give a shit about the spectacle. I loved this album, a close second to Lemonade for me, and watching her perform in such hallowed ground as an American football stadium in the conservative state of Texas was amazing. Blue Ivy in the dance crew was v cute but she’s got big shoes to fill. No pressure, babe.

READ - There Is No Safe Word by Lila Shapiro, New York Magazine.

Do not go into this article thinking it’ll be some gentle takedown of a beloved author. This is very uncomfortable to read in parts, and a graphic display of the numerous sexual assault allegations against mega famous fantasy author, Neil Gaiman. I was of course, aware of him as a literary figure but hadn’t read any of his works. I knew he had an impressive catalogue of published work and a cult following and shitloads of TV adaptations to his name; a very successful man. So when I saw this cover story land like a dropped grenade in my feed, I was simultaneously shocked and apathetic. Another day, another dude being an utter piece of shit to women. It almost seems like the predator stereotype is anyone who has a fuck load of power but is an outwardly facing unobtrusive ‘nice guy’. Interested to see how this story unfolds, the many articles it will spawn are the only things I’ll be reading with his name attached to it.

LISTEN - The Rise of Therapy Speak, Culture Study Podcast

This podcast episode dropped into my feed and I didn’t immediately pick it up. I almost eye-rolled at it a bit. Was I just going to listen to people talk about how everyone overuses the word ‘trigger’ and ‘boundaries’ and this reducing their power? But I popped it on while running errands solo in the car (otherwise it’s the fire truck song, you guys. It slaps) and found myself the perpetrator of all the words the hosts were reporting had slowly been leaking from the therapist’s couch to the group chat. It was an interesting self-reflection point and made me consider how I used the terms. Was I using the terms to ‘diagnose’ or typecast someone’s behaviour to take the moral high ground? Was I using them to critique someone’s art or work instead of just letting the work stand for itself? Does it matter? Listen to it and let me know what you think.